Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 
“And Knowing Is (Apparently) Half The Battle…”

Well, the week has come and gone, and I for one am hoping that this next week will find me running around without looking like I’m some chicken that got its head lobbed off. Some of you out there may be asking, if not threatening to break my door down and demanding to know where I have been.

The short of it is, apparently this week I decided to start finding purpose and make a decent attempt at long-range planning for my future. This will also establish a chance at a decent chance to then plan for the future Mel and I shall share. And yes, I do want her to be included in making these plans. At the moment, I’ve been doing my best to make necessary arrangements, so that her arrival here will be as stress-free as possible.

I’m not really in the mood to discuss at length what this week has entailed, simply because it’s all basic planning, and I can only know if I’ve truly succeeded 2-3 weeks down the road. I’d as soon share good news with friends and whatever complete strangers have been directed to this little bit of nowhere. Good news is always much friendlier than high hopes dashed to pieces at a later date…unless it gets you a lot of free sympathy drinks from everyone. Silver lining, silver lining.

Yet I am not about to leave everyone without some words that might be construed as wisdom. So here you go: This Week’s Lessons.

--sometimes determination will get you through the day. Other times, the day winds up sitting on your sheer determination and squishes it, and doesn’t even have the courtesy to notice.

--rabbits are actually quite carnivorous, as the base of my left palm can attest to.

--at random times in your life, you may get a knock on the door and be given by some strange, near-disembodied hand a free can of Root Beer you never even asked for or implied that you wanted. It is thusly counter-productive to argue with the hand.

--Shih-tzu’s get quite excited whenever you make Wookie noises in front of them

--never EVER get a money order from a Canadian bank, unless you enjoy paying the ridiculously high fees for such a transaction. (price of an Age of Majority card: $15. Price the bank charges to get that $15 converted into a money order: $7.50. And I quote myself: “Whaaaa?”)

--I still can’t dance

--a Microsoft Word spellchecker does not recognize ‘manticore’ as being a valid word. Unless, of course, I was trying to spell ‘manicure’ instead.

--people actually seem to wonder, not to mention care, that I’ve seemingly vanished off the face of the planet

--at random times in your life, you may get a knock on the door and be given by some strange, near-disembodied hand a free package of chocolate-covered mint wafers you never even asked for or implied that you wanted. Once again, it is counter-productive to argue with the hand.

--despite being computer-generated, Gollum has given arguably the best victory speech in all of recorded history. (as seen on the MTV 2003 Movie Awards)

--Email Pron-Spam still hasn’t evolved in my online absence, and for that I am truly grateful

--parents have the habit of turning around and completely surprising you. That’s still not necessarily a good thing sometimes….

--when the week is over, nothing relaxes you quite so well as a knock at your door, and some strange, disembodied hand giving you a large Mudslide you never even asked for or implied you wanted. Now is certainly not the time to argue with the hand, and I highly recommend anyone out there to find a patron hand of their own.


posted by Phillip at 4:50 PM

 
"Honestly, Officer, the tree just jumped out all of a sudden and grabbed my willy!"

They call it Dendrophilia: arousal from a tree or fertility worship of them. According to offical statistics, 1% of the world's population are dendrophiliacs, which means that somewhere out there, someone is violating a poor, hapless poplar or spruce tree.

I call it...well, in all honesty, words escape me. Although I can say that the knowledge of someone getting turned on and going, "Oh yeah, you keep growing, you sexy little sapling! Grow until you've got huge branches like the mighty oak, and then you're old enough for me to take you!" is rather vexing. Much vexing is being had right now. It's reasons like this that I believe humanity is ultimately doomed.

Today's Lesson: just because it has holes doesn't mean you should put certain (or any) body parts into it.


posted by Phillip at 5:00 PM

 
"You want me to show you the what in the where now?"

A funny thing happened as I was making some floating enquiries today with a few of the local apartment towers. Nothing substancial regarding the enquiries, at least for the moment, but it's always good to get a feel on the market as you dare to make your great escape into independence...again. Especially important for me is knowing what apartments would accept both me and my Shih-tzu puppy, Shady. We're sort of a 2-for-1 deal. You can't have one without the other, and we go together like bacon and eggs...or else green eggs and ham.

So I call the first phone number on my list of potential apartment complexes. The conversation roughly goes as follows:

Me: "Hello, I would like to make some enquiries about the apartments available in your complex."

Cheerful young lass: [laughter!] "Well, if I actually owned any apartments, I'd be happy to help you out!"

Me: [eyebrow twitch!] "Okaaaaay...I'm guessing this isn't the number for reaching the superintendant's office."

After a brief exchange and banter, I discovered that the number I had copied down from the sign outside the apartment tower was in fact right. The number being displayed on the sign in front of the tower, however, was thoroughly and totally wrong. At this very minute, they might be wondering why no new applicants have been asking about the apartments....

In other news, I have discovered that my new favourite song is the curiously infectious, peculiar yet effective, violin-and-punk Everywhere, performed by the band Yellowcard. You might know this song. Pop singer Michelle Branch recently did a softer cover version of their song. I'll stick with Yellowcard's rendition, thanks.

Today's Lesson: Proofread, proofread, proofread!!!


posted by Phillip at 3:44 PM